she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
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