fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
