i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize