i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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