my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
