Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize