my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
