When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
