I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
