my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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