and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
