Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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