It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
