If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
