dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
