im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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