if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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