Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
