i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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