I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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