You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
