My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
