Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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