Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
