I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
How does one acquire holy water?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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