Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I stole a fireplace last night.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
