Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
