Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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