We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
