I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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