Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
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