overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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