This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
