Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
