I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
