I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I will pee on everything he values.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
