Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
