the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Send help, water and tortillas.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
