Someone shit on the floor
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
