Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
