Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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