Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize