I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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