So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
