Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
