I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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