I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
God I need to hump something, right now.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
