That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I forgot wine drunk hurts
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
