I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
