I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
All the doctor said was why
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
