he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
