The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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