Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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