I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize