how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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