winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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