life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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