first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
