Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize