i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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