shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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