If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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