I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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