guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
