I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
