I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
