I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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