You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
