We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
