friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
