walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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