ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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