I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
